


Kazoo

by fragilecapricornpanic



Series: PRE-WRITTEN, Pre-Canon Sibling Encounters [64]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Diego Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Diego Hargreeves is Bad at Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Good Sibling Diego Hargreeves, Humor, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Klaus Hargreeves Needs Help, No Incest, No Slash, One Shot, One Shot Collection, POV Diego Hargreeves, Pre-Canon, Protective Ben Hargreeves, Protective Diego Hargreeves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:00:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26430805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilecapricornpanic/pseuds/fragilecapricornpanic
Summary: Klaus couldn’t believe his luck that he’d stumbled upon Diego’s car. He’d thought he was hallucinating, until Diego had cranked down the window and flicked him in the centre of the forehead.“I wish you stayed in Germany.” Diego grunted, rubbing at his temples stressfully. Imagining his brother with a German accent caused Diego to stifle a chuckle. “Me too. Those lederhosen? I’d look spectacular.Spektakulär!” Klaus confidently stated, true conviction to his words. It was almost alarming.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: PRE-WRITTEN, Pre-Canon Sibling Encounters [64]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1869709
Comments: 4
Kudos: 69





	Kazoo

He’d have to get a new police scanner, Diego decided as he bludgeoned the thing repeatedly to try and shake away the distorted crackling. An ongoing home invasion came through, Diego eagerly listened out to hear how far dispatch were. Although it would be good to shut that situation down himself, there’d be no point going all the way there if the cops got there first. 

“How can you understand that shit? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s giving me a headache. Will you turn it off? This is boring anyway. You need a hobby. Or to get laid. Maybe that could be your hobby. Swingers would love you, all the leather. Maybe the knives too. Depends how kinky they were. Can we leave now?” Klaus unintelligibly rapidly nattered, casually laid across the backseats. Diego growled, cracking his neck furiously - he’d missed what they were saying now. If Klaus thought the scanner was giving him a headache, he should try listening to his own inane ramblings. He could barely even make out what his brother was babbling about, it was merely an unfathomably irritating noise. “What happened to me not even noticing you were here?” Diego groaned, sorely regretting letting Klaus in the damn car. Klaus sighed melodramatically, kicking his feet on the seats impatiently. 

It was hilarious to watch Ben mope out of the window. He couldn’t sit in the back with Klaus, given he was laid down - and he couldn’t sit in the front, since Diego’s boring scanner was occupying that space. Klaus supposed technically Ben _could_ sit on those things, but apparently it made him feel weird. “I underestimated how boring this would be. How do you do this all the time? No wonder you have such a stick up your ass.” Klaus giggled obnoxiously. “Can we go get food?” he whined, pouting at Diego even though he wasn’t looking at him. Klaus couldn’t believe his luck that he’d stumbled upon Diego’s car. He’d thought he was hallucinating, until Diego cranked down the window and flicked him in the centre of the forehead. “You kind of look like you’re here to pick up hookers, you know that right?” Klaus teased, hoping he could annoy Diego enough that he’d give up the Batman act and buy him food instead.

“I wish you stayed in Germany.” Diego grunted, rubbing at his temples stressfully. Imagining his brother with a German accent caused Diego to stifle a chuckle. “Me too. Those lederhosen? I’d look spectacular. _Spektakulär_!” Klaus confidently stated, true conviction to his words. It was almost alarming. “Just get out if you’re bored.” Diego gruffly instructed, worried his brother would take up residence in the car and never goddamn leave. “Who said I wouldn’t be bored out there too?” Klaus backtalked like a child. Diego ground his teeth, wishing his brother had a mute button - or just an _off_ button.

People always accused Klaus of wasting his life, but Klaus felt Diego was more guilty of that. At least what Klaus did was filled with chaos - Diego just wasted his nights listening to boring code words. “I can’t remember when I last ate. I’m so hungry. _Ravenous_. It feels like my stomach is eating itself.” Klaus chattered manically, hoping he would be able to persuade his brother. He wasn’t actually aware he was supposedly hungry, but Ben wouldn’t stop nagging at him to eat. Diego sighed through his nose, looking like he was fantasising about throwing a knife at Klaus’ throat. “If we get food I’ll leave!” Klaus lied, having no intention to leave Diego’s warm car. He was even planning to tag along into his brother’s apartment. They could have another slumber party!

—

Diego threw Klaus his Happy Meal, scowling at how ridiculously childish his brother was. “Danke!” Klaus yelped from the backseat. Diego tentatively nibbled on a french fry, hoping it wouldn’t be too terrible for his body. Klaus gasped excitedly “I got a kazoo!” he exclaimed animatedly, referring to his stupid toy that was intended for children. Diego groaned with anguish, shoving his head back into the headrest. Of course Klaus would get a toy that would make him even more insufferable. An intolerable screech blew through the kazoo. Diego swivelled around irately, trying to snatch it from his brother’s hands. Klaus batted his hand away with exhilarated eyes - clearly _loving_ this.

“Give me the fucking kazoo!” Diego yelled, jostling with Klaus as he continued to blow an ear-splitting screech from the toy. Diego felt a migraine coming on. This was torturous. He’d rather be actually fucking tortured than this. Diego finally got his hands on the kazoo, attempting to yank it from Klaus - but his brother had a goddamn death grip on the thing. He was deceptively strong when he was like this. “If you give me the kazoo I’ll give you money.” Diego begrudgingly offered, giving up trying to wrestle the idiot. Klaus instantly stopped and thrusted it in Diego’s direction; he snatched the kazoo from his brother’s stupid **GOODBYE** hand. Diego furiously snapped the cheap plastic tat in half, and shoved it back into the Happy Meal box. 

Klaus was certain he’d be able to invite himself to Diego’s apartment. Clearly it was his lucky night, since Diego was actually going to give him money for once. His brother turned back around to the steering wheel, clenching his jaw like a vice. “I’m so _tired_.” Klaus yawned theatrically, trying to plant the seed of a sleepover in Diego’s brain. “No.” Diego grunted, clearly knowing what Klaus was trying to manipulate him into offering. “Come on, it’ll be fun!” Klaus cried out “We can braid each other’s hair and have pillow fights!” he quipped with faux sincerity. Klaus knew purposefully pissing Diego off wasn’t going to help in his quest to stay over, but he just couldn’t resist. It was basically his only entertainment. Sometimes he sought out Diego just to have petty quarrels. This kazoo debacle had been the highlight of his last few months! Klaus reached into his Happy Meal exuberantly, and Ben gave him a smile of relief from the other seat.

—

”You better not steal anything this time, since I’m already giving you money.” Diego grumbled as he reluctantly let his brother into his apartment. Klaus nodded so enthusiastically it made Diego’s head hurt on his behalf. Not that he didn’t already have a splitting headache from this unbearable interaction. “No trying to cook, or boil water.” Diego demanded, glaring at Klaus remembering the last time he had attempted that. Diego shut the door and locked it, just incase his brother had any stupid ideas. “No sneaking off to the bathro-“

”Do you want me to piss in your kitchen sink?!” Klaus yelped with a facial expression of mock outrage.

Diego clenched his fists to try and stop himself from murdering his own brother. “You know that’s not what I meant.” he snipped, feeling utterly infuriated. Klaus rolled his eyes and shrugged, wandering off to the kitchen to stick his head in the cabinets. “I’m not finished, asshole.” Diego groaned. Klaus chirpily hummed as response. Diego followed him over to the kitchen, yanking his head from a cabinet. “No going through my things.” he muttered passive aggressively “Like right now.” Diego felt like he was trying to herd a cat. A blind cat. A blind cat that was high out of its mind. Diego slammed the cabinet door closed, grabbing Klaus by the shoulders and pushing him towards the direction of the couch.

His brother plonked himself onto the couch, bouncing up and down on the cushion with an ecstatic grin. Diego closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh, this was going to be exhausting. He really didn’t like to deal with Klaus when he was this kind of high, Diego was way too tired for his bullshit. At least his brother was acting like a lunatic here rather than elsewhere. Diego was relieved at that, even though he was unbelievably exasperated. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t a _tiny_ bit glad to see Klaus... just for tonight though. He was only somewhat tolerable in small doses, and his brother clearly wasn’t aware of that particular concept.

Now he was here, Klaus wasn’t sure he actually wanted to be. It wasn’t like he was in the frame of mind to sleep. This was a terrible idea. This was boring. “I changed my mind.” he abruptly announced, shooting up from his seat. Diego once again placed his hands on Klaus’ shoulders, shoving him back down. “You don’t even want me here!” Klaus whined, frantically punching the couch with frustration. Diego scowled at him, cracking his knuckles to release his tension. This was verging on an argument... that was enticing. Maybe Klaus would stay after all.


End file.
